My Preconceived Life

trying to add another person to the planet

Bittersweet

When people I know get pregnant (I’m talking about the people I know in real life, the ones who are not going through infertility), I’m not happy for them. I’m just not. Sometimes I’m even angry with them. It really bothered me at first, but now I don’t beat myself up over it. I can’t help how I feel.

But the people in my blog reader, those of you who have been through HELL (multiple miscarriages, multiple failed IVFs, donor cycles, DOR, male factor, you name it), when you guys get pregnant, I’m happy.

But I’m still sad for me.

Right now it seems like everyone in my reader is basking in the glow of early positive betas. And it’s great. Really it is. But it’s also hard. Almost everyone I’ve been following since I started this blog (with the exception of two or three, I think) has gotten pregnant. It’s getting harder and harder to trust that I will ever have a turn.

I have another confession to make: once people get their six week ultrasound, I stop following them. Up to this point I’ve faded away silently, but I really want all of you to know I wish you the best. I genuinely care about what is going on with you, and I hate that it hurts so much that I need to distance myself. But it does, and I do. So, to those of you who have graduated to the “pregnant and nervous” category, bon voyage. I hope to join you on the other side, someday.

xo,

A

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Homeward Bound

We finally got the OK to travel! I am currently typing this on my phone in the Denver airport. I feel like a balloon on the verge of popping, but the pain and nausea have decreased a lot. I am very grateful for that. I am also super grateful that two of our stragglers made it to blast! Not enough to do PGD, but hey, we have 6 top notch (or regular notch, for once) frosties. I feel like we are closer than we have ever been to making a take home baby. Which is good, because I made an important decision over the last few days: this is it for me. I’m not going through retrieval again. I mean I don’t know how I will feel after a year, two years, but I can’t see myself going through this again. It’s too tough on my already fragile health. So as far as I’m concerned this is it. All six of our metaphorical and literal eggs are in one basket. 

OHSS? O HELL

Well, I guess it isn’t surprising that I feel so mega rotten, seeing as I have moderate OHSS. Went in today for an ultrasound as the pain and nausea hadn’t improved. It isn’t severe enough to land me in the hospital, but I’m going in for another check on Tuesday and if the fluid is the same (or worse), we will drain. You guys, I think this is even worse than it was last year with the ectopic. Zofran isn’t helping much yet and I feel so sick I can hardly force down water. Plus I am at risk for blood clots, so we have to stay in Colorado for another week.

We also got our day 3 update: 4 embryos growing at good pace with minimal fragmentation. Doc decided to freeze those. We are going to try and grow out the rest to blast so they can be tested. Hopefully a few will make it?? I was sure wishing that the majority of our guys would be kicking ass, but 4 normal day 3 embryos is 3 more than we’ve had in the past. And who knows, we may end up with one or two normal blasts as well. Trying to stay positive over here. Also trying to stay puke free. :p

The Pain, The Pain

We were supposed to return home from Denver today, but I still can’t stand up straight, much less walk. You guys, I was really hoping that my past egg retrieval hells were caused by rough antibiotics, but it seems that is not the case. The horse-kick to the gut is back with a vengeance. Actually, it is worse this time than it has ever been. Maybe because they retrieved more eggs? Either way, I am in a tremendous amount of pain. RE’s office says quit the antibiotics and see how I feel tomorrow. Ugh. I just want to go home! Anyone else get completely destroyed by their ERs? Or is it just me? Am I a wimp?

Aaaaand a Trick

Got the numbers: less than 50% fertilized. Actually, just over 33%. Still 3x the amount of embryos I’ve had in the past, but because we can’t do a fresh these puppies have to grow! Sounds like the lab won’t even consider doing a day 3 freeze. Trying to get in touch with my doc to see if that is correct. I don’t care about PGD if it means we lose the whole crop! 

Treats! (So Far)

Egg retrieval was a success! Best numbers I have had so far. Of course we won’t get maturity/fertilization rates until tomorrow. Hoping we have great numbers and I NEVER have to do this again! Ouch.

Trick, or Treat?

For the past several months, since our last IVF failed, I’ve been putting one foot in front of the other. Living in the present. Letting go of expectations. Well, tomorrow is our egg retrieval, and (appropriately enough since it is Halloween) all the scary thoughts are rushing in. What if the trigger doesn’t work? (we are trying a new one this time.) What if none of our embryos make it to blast? What if all of our embryos are chromosomally abnormal? What if nothing will ever implant in my uterus and I can’t make embryos good enough for a surrogate? What if we never have children?

I know some of this insanity is due to hormones. My estrogen levels are off the charts. So high, in fact, that I’m going to be on two meds after retrieval to try and stop OHSS. (WHAT IF I STILL HYPERSTIM??) Not surprisingly, that doesn’t make me feel better. At least I am coherent enough to know that nothing will. I am going to have to sit with these thoughts today, and the nervous thoughts I will have tomorrow, and over the next few weeks as more information about the results of this cycle trickles in. And, assuming we have embryos to freeze (because my estradiol is too high for a fresh transfer), it will happen all over again when we get ready for the FET. (Has my scar tissue grown back? What if I don’t have Beta 3 Integrin?). Today I am going to try and treat myself. I’m going to listen to the guided meditation CD from my RE’s office. I might go and get a manicure. I will definitely take a walk in the sunshine. And I will try to practice gratitude for everything I have.

Or I’ll watch a Vampire Diaries marathon on my laptop and eat candied pecans. Whatever works.