And yes, I keep striking out.
Friday was supposed to be my Beta 3 Integrin test. And after the wackiest, most unpredictable cycle of my life, I made it–8 days past ovulation without starting my period. I showed up at the clinic that morning nervous, excited, and ready to figure out if my uterus was making embryo glue.
Now, to be fair, my doctor and my cervix have always had a contentious relationship. Every time doc has to get past the gates, it takes a few excruciating passes and the help of ultrasound. Well, on Friday the gates were on complete lockdown. Stab, stab, stab, over and over and over, and nothing.
I’m going to toot my own horn for a minute: I’m a hard ass. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain. I’ve been through a hell of a lot of shit, and I don’t back down. But my God, after a dozen or so passes at my wonky cervix, I was literally about to vomit and/or pass out. I cried uncle, but I still refused to give up entirely. My RE sent me to CVS with a script for Valium and Tramadol, and we tried again an hour later. Still no luck. My RE was the one who finally gave up, convinced that I was about to puke.
We discussed the option of coming back in on Saturday to do the test under anesthesia, but my Colorado doc said to scrap it. He felt like our issue was most likely embryo quality, and in the face of slim odds he didn’t want to put me through anesthesia.
I have mixed feelings about this. I’m excited to get to move forward with this cycle, but of course I’m wondering “what if it turns out that I don’t have Beta 3 Integrin?” I’ve never had an embryo implant in my uterus. I sure as shit don’t want to go through another ectopic pregnancy. (Though I can testify that a ruptured fallopian tube hurts waaaaay less than a catheter jamming into your cervix). Between plane tickets and lodging, and an IVF that isn’t covered by insurance, we are about to piss away a TON of savings. If this doesn’t work, I might actually lose my mind.
Then again, I had some seriously gnarly scar tissue that likely contributed to the first ectopic. And I want to trust my doctor–if he thinks it’s highly unlikely that Beta 3 Integrin is my issue and testing for it is going to be a giant pain in the ass (aka cervix), then maybe we should roll the dice?
It always comes back to this. There are no right answers, no surefire paths, only choices and chances. I could push for the test and wait another month, or I could trust my doctor and give the CCRM magic a shot. My head says get all the info you can, but my heart says GO. Stop waiting. Do it now.
I think I’m going with my heart on this one. God, please toss us a meatball. It’s way past time for a home run.