When people I know get pregnant (I’m talking about the people I know in real life, the ones who are not going through infertility), I’m not happy for them. I’m just not. Sometimes I’m even angry with them. It really bothered me at first, but now I don’t beat myself up over it. I can’t help how I feel.
But the people in my blog reader, those of you who have been through HELL (multiple miscarriages, multiple failed IVFs, donor cycles, DOR, male factor, you name it), when you guys get pregnant, I’m happy.
But I’m still sad for me.
Right now it seems like everyone in my reader is basking in the glow of early positive betas. And it’s great. Really it is. But it’s also hard. Almost everyone I’ve been following since I started this blog (with the exception of two or three, I think) has gotten pregnant. It’s getting harder and harder to trust that I will ever have a turn.
I have another confession to make: once people get their six week ultrasound, I stop following them. Up to this point I’ve faded away silently, but I really want all of you to know I wish you the best. I genuinely care about what is going on with you, and I hate that it hurts so much that I need to distance myself. But it does, and I do. So, to those of you who have graduated to the “pregnant and nervous” category, bon voyage. I hope to join you on the other side, someday.